Forgiveness
“Forgive or be unhappy. Which do you prefer?” – William Fergus Martin
Other people’s actions and words can hurt and cause you emotional pain. When someone you care about hurts you, the pain can overwhelm better judgment. Emotional pain can make you feel bitter and long for vengeance. When you allow anger and resentment to rule over your head and heart, it can prevent you from forgiving and moving on. When you deprive yourself of forgiveness, you also strip yourself of peace of mind, hope and joy.
Whether it’s a spouse who had an affair, a friend who betrayed your confidence, a parent who abandoned you when you were young, a sibling who let you down, a business partner who cheated on you, a colleague who took credit for your work, and so on, there comes a point in time when you must open yourself to forgiveness.
What is forgiveness? In a general sense, forgiveness is a personal decision of letting go of resentment and need to get even. Forgiveness is also the act of freeing yourself of negative thoughts. You may not be able to totally erase the memory of being hurt or let down, but forgiveness can help lessen the pain and bitterness.
What are the benefits of forgiveness? The act of forgiveness is good for the health according to Mayo Clinic. It lowers blood pressure and lessens anxiety, stress and hostility. Forgiveness promotes healthier relationships and greater spiritual and psychological well-being. Embracing forgiveness can also improve immune system, heart health and decrease symptoms of depressions. It can also boost self-esteem.
When you stop hating and blaming the person who has wronged you, you can enjoy better physical, emotional and mental health.
What happens when you deprive yourself of forgiveness? When you create a wall, you trap negative emotions inside of you. Anger and bitterness continue to build up and affect your actions, relationships and experiences. It’s hard to appreciate the beauty of the present because the past is always there to cast a shadow over you. Depression easily sets in and you may feel a sense of hopelessness.
How do you start to forgive? There’s no easy road to forgiveness but here are some ways to help cultivate forgiveness and help you in your journey.
Express what you feel inside. Before you can forgive, you must allow yourself to feel hurt and angry. You cannot begin to heal when you block your real feelings. The pain of the past can affect your present relationships, decisions and experiences. It is important to express your emotions to release the tension from your body. You can do so verbally by talking to the person concerned if possible. Make sure that you are calm and composed when you speak to the person who hurt you. Avoid talking to the person during the height of your anger to avoid saying things that you don’t really mean. You may just end up hurting each other more. Find a safe environment where you can talk peacefully. If you’re not yet ready to talk to the person, you can choose to confide in a friend or family member.
You can also express your feelings in other healthy ways like writing. You can keep a journal where you can pour out your feelings. Don’t be afraid to write down what you think and feel. Be honest to yourself. By writing daily, you will gradually find it easier to let go of your anger. After acknowledging the pain and hurt that you experienced, you can begin your journey towards forgiveness.
Reflect on what happened. Try to recall the details of the incident that made you feel that way and how you reacted to the situation. Think of how your response affected your everyday life, health and general well-being. What did you discover about yourself after the incident? Have you become aware of certain personal strengths and weaknesses? Do you consider yourself a wiser and stronger individual today because you survived a painful experience?
Stop expecting things from the person who hurt you. You cannot control what the other person thinks or feels. You cannot push someone to do something that you want especially if the other person is not ready or willing to do so. Do not expect the individual to suddenly own up to his/her mistakes and beg forgiveness, especially if the person is not aware of the pain he/she caused you. Disappointment can only fuel your anger and bitterness.
Make a commitment to yourself to let go. Keep in mind that forgiveness is your gift to yourself. Be aware that by forgiving the person who caused you pain in the past, you will be helping yourself attain better physical, emotional and psychological health.
You will be the first to benefit from the decision before anyone else. Begin by letting go of the desire to have revenge on the person who has hurt you. Stop harboring ill feelings for that individual and hope that someday you could enjoy retribution. When you start letting go of the negativity, you can begin to open yourself to compassion and understanding.
Stop seeing yourself as the victim in the situation. Make a conscious choice not to let painful thoughts dwell inside of you. Stop seeing yourself as the distressed party and take charge. It may not be possible to get rid of all the pain at once especially if it stems from a deep emotional wound. Be patient. It will happen gradually if you make a firm commitment.
Does forgiveness lead to reconciliation? Forgiving the person who hurt you is not a guarantee that you can mend the tainted relationship. Reconciliation requires the participation of both sides. If the concerned parties are willing to communicate and forgive each other, then reconciliation is possible.
Reconciliation is hard to achieve if the person who offended you does not want to admit that he/she did anything wrong.
Forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation does not happen. If reconciliation takes place, do not expect things to immediately return to normal. It may take time to rebuild a relationship especially if there was a violation of trust. Both sides may need time to restore trust and goodwill to the relationship.
Forgiveness is a process. Allow it to takes its course but remain committed on your intention.
Photo c/o Pixabay. Public domain.
—————————–
Rachel Yapchiongco, also known as Rach to her friends, is a Psychology and Marketing Management graduate of De La Salle University. Rachel is a mom to a charming boy and married to an entrepreneur who has a passion for cooking. She shares parenting experiences and slices of everyday life on her personal blog called Heart of Rachel.